Trichotillomania As An Addiction

Hello fellow Trichsters,

I apologize for not having posted in such a long time, as I have been on quite the journey, both internally and around the world. As I began my long recovery through 8 months of therapy, I learned a great deal from my psychologist, who specializes in the treatment of Trichotillomania specifically (she is the clinical director at the OCD Centre of Los Angeles - we did Skype sessions as I do not live in the USA, if you would like her information, please let me know in the comments section and I will personally email you all the info).

In any case, below are some interesting links that talk about Trichotillomania as an addiction, and I must admit, it makes far more sense to me than it being an impulse control disorder. While I was recovering, I had extreme withdrawal and went through the exact symptoms as would an addict to any substance. I am not 100% recovered, and I still pull, but the biggest changes have been not of my hair, but of my inner being. I have learned to accept myself, be kind to myself, and wow, I never thought it could make such a difference.

Please feel free to peruse these very interesting links. I would love to hear what you think!

Conceptualizing Trichotillomania As An Addiction

Trichotillomania As Addiction: A Holistic Perspective

Finally A Novel About Trichotillomania

I have been informed by a friend (who works in publishing) that within the next few months, a new book will debut called "Trichster". And it's exactly about that - hair pulling.

The author is a hair puller herself, and wrote the first part of a 3 part story about the secret life of a closer hair puller. It's an intimate, first hand look into the life of a Trichster.

Once it becomes available on e-book, I will post more information. 

Hello fellow Trichsters,

I apologize for not having written in a very long time. I have been on a long and difficult journey with my trich and I will tell you how it started.

There was a time when I struggled in secret; 15 years to be exact. I hadn't told anyone about my pulling because I was afraid. I was ashamed of what I did to myself but most of all, I was scared. I was scared that I would be judged. That those who looked at me with admirable eyes would not longer see a strong and independent woman but a crippled and weak soul who spent her entire life in a mask.

Then one day I had reached the end of my rope. My pulling was at its worst. I had locked myself in my room, staring at these four walls like I often would, I would cry myself to sleep because I didn't understand why I was so alone and why I couldn't get better. There were days when I literally wouldn't see daylight, but lie in my bed and see no reason to get out of it.

A friend of mine had asked me why I hadn't sought therapy. I thought about it for a long time, but I never made the call. "I'm busy" I told her, which was the truth as I had so much going on. Luckily these tasks only required a computer and an internet connection. "Those are just excuses" she told me, which is when I realized that I could dedicate one hour a week to seeing a therapist.

So I made the call. My hands had never trembled so much in my life. My voice never so quivering. I made the call, and for 6 months I have been seeing a therapist.

No, I haven't stopped pulling. No, I do not have an entire head of hair or all my eyelashes.

I am still a Trichster, but today, I am a free Trichster - no longer caged by my fears or judgements; no longer afraid or confused.

Today, my fellow Trichsters, I am free from the cage I have been keeping myself in all these years. And today, I want to tell you that there is hope. Perhaps you may not understand in this moment, but it's not about the hair. It never was.

You see my loving Trichsters, hair-pulling is just the byproduct of something else. Something that I have long been hiding myself from, and the moment I faced my real fears was the moment Trich stopped running myself, even though it is still present in me.

I love you, and I wish all of you the freedom I can now say I have experienced. There is more to you than your pulling. That I can promise.

You don't need willpower to stop pulling...

Link that talks about how good intentions and willpower don't work to help in recovery. What do you think?

To all the Trichsters

I just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful, regardless how much hair, eyelashes or eyebrows you have. You are beautiful not just on the inside, but on the outside as well. Because hair doesn't dictate beauty, we do. And I can tell you right now that bald spots and naked eyes don't make someone ugly, at least not in my hair-starved eyes :)

I am sending a big hug to all of you. Thank you for being supportive. Thank you for reading my words, and most of all, thank you for being exactly who you are. Never, ever change. 

This would explain the "heart attack" I felt during Trial # 1...

"When we ingest marijuana, the heart swells through capillary enhancement and is fueled more by more fully oxygenated blood, while, at the same time, its contractions and expansions are greater, allowing for stronger pumping action to the rest of the body" (p. 37, The Benefits of Marijuana: Physical, Psychological, & Spiritual, by Joan Bello).

I would suggest having a look at this link. Great, great info.

Am I becoming a marijuana advocate? Hah! Who knew. Here are some more quotes I found interesting.

"The marijuana experience itself does not miraculously cure. Instead, it allows the body a respite from the tensions of imbalance, while exposing the mental confusion of the mind. The marijuana experience of balance becomes a learned and, over time, somewhat permanent response as the essential human tendency to homeostasis is reawakened and the natural healing process restored" (p. 49).

"In a Costa Rican study, it was found that chronic marijuana smokers who also smoked cigarettes were less likely to develop cancer than cigarette smokers who didn’t use marijuana. Since marijuana (smoking, as well as ingestion by other methods) dilates the alveoli, toxins are more easily eliminated with cannabis use regardless of its method of application. Nicotine, on the other hand, constricts the alveoli, so it is likely that the use of cannabis neutralizes, or even overwhelms the constriction, by its own tendency to dilation ...As an aid for all psychosomatic disease, marijuana can benefit the participant, generally because of its health-restoring effects... The fear of marijuana... stems from its limitless potential for treating illness, in that both the pharmaceutical industry and the medical monopoly would lose billions of dollars if marijuana became the non-drug of choice" (p. 61).

"Marijuana can act as the loosening agent, so that whatever has been banned from consciousness may come cascading forth. To uncover our deceptions without our usual rationalizations can be unpleasant, an experience that has turned many psychologically fragile individuals away from marijuana despite its therapeutic catharsis" (p. 50).


"Regardless of the model used, marijuana resolves conflict by de-emphasizing extreme aggressiveness and stroking the receptive sides of human nature. This unification or balance, however, may be responsible for changes in goals and values. It Is the healthy balancing nature of marijuana that is most beneficial to the individual and most threatening to modern society" (p. 51).

Marijuana As A De-Stressor?

As previously posted, the few marijuana trials I did were not effective in terms of helping with my hair-pulling. I still felt urges to pull even while I was high, and this was disappointing.

On a related note, I had an episode last night. I never pull my brows, and now I have to draw in most of my left one. It's ridiculous. I've never pulled my brows before and this is getting worse and worse.

As a desperate attempt to stop myself, I smoked half a joint (I had it lying around for a while from previous trials) in hopes of alleviating the symptoms.

Surprisingly, it helped tremendously. I'm beginning to wonder if weed only helps while you feel stressed. When I smoked it without the "need" but for trial reasons, it didn't help, but when I tried it while under extreme stress, it relieved my symptoms amazingly.

I was sitting watching TV, and although I was day dreaming and starring into nothing really, this incredible sense of calm fell over me. I felt amazing, and relaxed. I felt good.

Also note, however, that I got this weed from a different dealer than from previous trials. I am in the midst of finding out what strain this particular marijuana was, because that might have made the difference.

Indica strains are the ones used to medically treat anxiety. If this is the strain I smoked last night, then perhaps I was wrong all along. Maybe it helps, but it depends on the type/quality of the weed.

I'll keep you posted.

Valerian Root and Hair-Pulling

Everyone has heard of Valerian root: the natural herb substance that helps promote sleep and relaxation.

I've heard many stories that in substantially large (daily) doses, Valerian root can help ease the urges to pull. I will experiment with this for about a month's time to see if the myth is true. I will take the recommended trichster dosage every day for 4 weeks and keep track of any changes or side-effects as it relates to hair-pulling.

Now all I have to do if find the best brand for the purest Valerian root supplements.

Isolation

Strand after strand, my fingers they tug;
the slipping of roots has become such a drug.

Immersed in my trance and pulling my glory,
I wonder if anyone has the same story.

Lashes torn out leaving naked my lids,
Hating myself for the shit I just did.

Not understanding why I'm so addicted,
to scratching and pulling, why I'm so afflicted.

My tears shine my cheeks,
For nights upon weeks,
I can't seem to sleep,
From cries and from weeps.

Painting my face with the colors of norm,
I once again dress in the mask that is worn,
The one that takes ugly and makes it transform,
From naked and ugly to gentle and warm.

Bald and mistaken for happy and brazen,
I smile and pretend that there's nothing to mend.
Maybe one day I will shake from this suffer,
Maybe 'til then I will pull just another...

Marijuana Trial #2

So I tried a second time with a different weed (I think) and I still found no results. I still felt the urges to pull even while I was high.

I smoked less this time, so I wasn't panicking or felt like having a heart attack, but while my friends around me were falling asleep, I felt pretty much the same...only with a slight buzzing in my brain.

I guess it works for some, and not for others.

As usual, I fall under the others category where it does not help. I am sick of being the only one who can't find any sort of temporary relief. I've tried everything: hats, gloves, exercise, vitamins, amino acid pills, even drugs.

I am so sick of this. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.

Interesting New Take on How To Stop Pulling

This article, written by a group of psychologists at the Neuropsychology Unit at the University Medical Center Hamburg Eppendorf in Germany, discusses certain methods you can use to stop pulling, and explains why other methods (that most of us have already tried) don't work.

This new method that they introduce is called "decoupling" which consists of analyzing your current behaviour and "re-arranging" it by distracting it; sort of like how you lose count when someone else is counting really loudly next to you.

This is an example of how the article suggests you can break a pulling behaviour (fingers on scalp, for example) by distracting yourself with a similar behaviour. They stress that this new "decoupling" behaviour needs to be similar because it encourages the "unlearning" of an ingrained habit (hair pulling).

There is a chart that is included that specifically outlines how to "decouple" your behaviour. These methods are strongly based on the psychological aspects of habit and not the physical or emotional aspects of it.

I strongly suggest you read it. Let me know what you think!

Marijuana Trial #1

So I decided to self-medicate with marijuana. I've heard a lot of good things about how it helps Trichsters with their pulling.

Unfortunately, my experience wasn't a good one. Whether it was the strain or not, I basically had a panic attack the whole time. My heart was racing and I could feel it pulsating through my ears. I became anxious and I even pulled during the time I was under the influence.

From what I was told by more experienced marijuana users, this was not the Indica strain of marijuana that is used for these purposes.

I guess I have to wait and see if I can find one that does.

To be honest, I'm secretly looking forward to having a temporary fix. Because at the moment, I don't have time or means for a permanent one.

Pathophysiology of Trich

When geneticists wanted to know if hair-pulling was genetic or not, they played with the DNA of mice and altered several genes to see if these symptoms would be present.

Mice showed symptoms of hair pulling.

LINK

This link also discusses why Trich is not like OCD and the differences in the brain that back this up. I would suggest a good read.

Marijuana Reduces Urges to Pull

Strangely enough, as I was doing research on the long-term effects of cannabis, a random thought came into my head.

If it is known to help reduce stress and anxiety, could it help with hair-pulling?

Search results sent me to a link of a practitioner, licensed to distribute medical marijuana, who claims that all the patients who had been suffering from hair-pulling felt less urges after smoking marijuana. And not just less, significantly less. 

"My patients explain to me that marijuana relaxes them, reduces their anxiety and reduces their urge to pull their hair out. They still struggle but their symptoms are largely reduced to the point where they see hair growth. They also feel less social anxiety and feel more comfortable in public."

I cannot freely admit that the idea was attractive at first, but after finding out that there are several other ways of using marijuana that do not include smoking (I love my lungs dearly) then I was intrigued. 

After all, if it helps severe trichsters (and I am only moderate) then I suppose it could help me as well. 

"If you are suffering from Trichotillomania, I would recommend giving this treatment approach consideration."

Please keep in mind though, that this is only a temporary relief. Further investigation showed that Trichsters are not cured by this (unless of course you will smoke marijuana everyday until you die). Cannabis helps reduce anxiety symptoms and, as others have claimed, the "subconscious need to pull". Again, this is not a cure and only a temporary relief, so it is suggested that marijuana is used only during times of high stress and anxiety.

The Demon That I Call Trich

I am in a dark, muddy gutter of guilt and self-hatred, digging myself deeper with what's left of my torn and fleshy fingernails. I have no shovel, no rope and my cries are gurgled by the acid rains that keep filling my cradle.

There are heavy chains of wide, gaping links that bind me to the grave I am trying to dig out of. Deep down, I have a Demon, oh yes. He thrives off my hair follicles every time they free the shadows in which he lingers.

His skin is fleshy and shredded, yet he licks his fingers and smiles with a bloody mouth. Droplets of red from the edges of his stained smile. Whispering temptations into my hands in a language I do not speak. 

He sends his seething parasites under my scalp where they scratch from the inside with a dull nail, calling for me to free them.

I had met him once you know. My Demon. 

He appeared from my stomach and came out my mouth. My eyes were swollen and wet. I had dry heaves from trying to get him out of my system, but when we finally did meet, I realized that I was lonelier without his company.

So back I let him into his beautifully furnished penthouse suite. Best view in the house.

That was a few years ago, and he is long overdue for an eviction.

The hardest thing I ever did was admit to myself that I was a hair-puller.

At first I was convinced it was a bad habit, and in a sense, it really was. I told myself I could stop whenever I wanted to. I just didn’t want to badly enough.

Then came the day when I was exhausted. I was tired of being obsessed with being obsessed. Constant checking and checking. Is my hair in place? Did my eyeliner smudge?

I would observe people from a distance and wonder what it felt like to be them. How it felt to rub your eyes when you’re tired, or let your hair down.

I look at people who complain about thick cuticles or a pimple, and wonder what it’s like to be within the extent of those worries. How easy and simple it must be to lead a life where the worst case scenario is a zit on your nose.

Eventually I discovered that there was such a thing as hair-pulling, and it wasn’t just some freakish habit I concocted. I was relieved because I wasn’t as isolated as I thought, but now I had an excuse to do it. I have Trichotillomania. And while grasping a freshly torn hair between my fingernails, I would justify my pulling because now it was a disorder, not just a bad habit.

This was accompanied by a willing sense of weakness. I would like to believe that this is out of my control, and every frock I pull forth is a result of an illness in my mind that is beyond fixing. And I don’t know if it’s the years of failed attempts, or the episodic waves of baldness, but any hopes existing or prior have been drowned out.

A full head of hair and thick eyelashes equate to utter and complete happiness in my world. Forget huge mansions and private jets. How can people not see how easy it is to be content? I can’t even fathom the joy and calmness of rolling out of bed without a second thought. I have never learnt such an emotion.

All the black pencils and eyeliners, the fake lashes, the weird hair-dos. I wake up every morning to change myself; to change what I look like. I am guilty of fooling the world and ashamed that I have to do it. Ashamed that I don’t give myself any other choice.

I am kind and generous. I never judge people and I never put anyone in a position to feel uncomfortable. Yet my face doesn’t reflect any of that. All it shows is a self-infliction of ugliness.

This is not who I am. 

And I don’t understand why this is who I have become.




End Note: This is a blog entry I contributed to Trichster.com for their up-and-coming documentary about Trichotillomania.

A new documentary focuses on Trichotillomania and follows four Trichsters throughout the course of a year, examining their personal experiences with hair-pulling.

Please visit their website for more details. There is also a forum where Trichsters come together to share their stories. 

We are finally coming out Trichsters. Soon the world will know what hair-pulling is all about, and one day we won't have to wear wigs or fake lashes.

I promise. 

It's a strange phenomena.

On one side, you tell yourself it's just a bad habit. That all you have to do is stop pulling and all your problems will go away.

 On the other hand, if it's so simple, then why can't I stop?

At the end of the day, no amount of research, statistics or doctors can really understand what it feels like to walk around with bald spots, bald eyes, barely any eyebrows or weird hair-dos that you don't even like yourself. No one can explain the shame, guilt and self-loathing we feel every time we pull a hair, a semi-regret that you wish you didn't do it, yet somehow your fingernails are already clasping another frock to tear out.

The worst is when you finally think you can control yourself, but you realize that it wasn't control that let your hair grow back, it was that you simply weren't feeling the urges. When they finally come, you realize the chains are stronger and heavier than you thought, and you succumb to the follicles that are begging to be freed.

My friend once told me that even though she wanted me to get better, at the end of the day, no amount of hair or eyelashes could turn me into the person I have become. And the person that I had become was a lifelong friend that could never be duplicated regardless how much hair, eyelashes or eyebrows she had. That moment was the first time I ever felt the slightest bit of acceptance.

The biggest problem, at least for me, is accepting that I simply can't control it as much as I would like. If you think about it, the hardest part about anything is admitting that you don't have control.

That's why there are alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, gamblers, shopping addicts, pathological liars, skin pickers, and yes, hair-pullers. It's all about control.

And I fucking hate it.

Hair-pulling and PMS?

Studies have shown that the urges to pull hair increase during the premenstrual phase of a woman's cycle, and decrease during the period and a little bit afterwards. This raises more questions since trichotilomania affects more women than men (10:1 female to male ratio).

Source

Stopped NAC treatment

After the last entry, I got discouraged. I have since discontinued taking daily doses of NAC.

Truth is, the pulling has not gotten worse since then. I have continued to pull but very, very minimally (about one eyelash a week). I have gotten better altogether however.

I have a feeling that, for me, NAC should be taken on the days when I feel strong urges. It would act as a suppressant during this time. On other days when the urges are not that strong, I will allow my body to deal with them itself.

I will admit, I am very disappointed and saddened. At the same time I feel foolish. Did I really expect such an easy way out?