It's Not About The Hair, It's About Control

We often watch commercials or movies, and think to ourselves "Wow, she can just do a close up and everything is there, no lash gaps, no bald spots, I wonder what that's like".

We don't realize, however, that it's not really about the hair. It's about control. We feel like freaks because we can't wake up in the morning and just walk on out. People complain they look terrible in the mornings, but to us that's such an upgrade from having to hide our secret before we even walk into the kitchen. Waterproof eyeliners and gels we use even on our heads. Black eyeshadows and eyebrow pencils. What is it like to not have to worry about missing hair?

On top of that, we have the fear that it will never grow back. It has so far, but we notice thinning. We spend ridiculous amounts of money on lash growth stimulators, eyebrow growth stimulators, and use them excessively in hopes everything will grow back soon. We even use these stimulators on our heads, and various creams or shampoos that promise hair growth. Deep down we know they won't help much, but we have no other resorts.

We feel ashamed not because we don't have hair, or because we are missing lashes or have to draw in our eyebrows. We feel ashamed because we did this to ourselves. How do you explain to someone that the reason you never wear your hair down is because you pull your own hair out? How do you tell someone you can't go outside without makeup because all your lashes are missing? How do you explain to them that you do this to yourself, and in order to avoid this problem all we have to do is STOP.

It's about control. It's about consciously stopping the pulling once we see the root of that first hair we pull. It's about controlling our impulses to even rub those spots, because we know we are rubbing only to feel the hair, or lack of hair. We are so addicted to this sensation.

Most of us don't even remember our first pull, or how we started. We only remember our first serious lapse of hair loss, and our shame and embarrassment.

Drug addictions, hoarding, trichsting, OCD, food, television.... all these addictions are about control. Our excess leads to problems and we can't seem to control ourselves. So we aren't embarrassed because of our hair loss....there's plenty of other people in the world with the same problem. People who have had accidents, or have bad genes. People who have had surgery and needed a part shaved off... or eye medication or creams that cause lash loss. We are embarassed because we can't control ourselves... and right when we think we have it all good, we relapse.

Strangers don't understand that this is something we fight every single day. It's like drugs, you can be sober for years but you still think about it every, single, day.