I have a very difficult confession to make. At least, to me, it is difficult.
How can I expect the closest to perfection in a love interest, when I am far from it myself?
I have passed the stages of discovery, the stages of grief and self-doubt, and even merely the acceptance of what I do to myself; the self manipulation that leaves me ugly and freakish in the mirror of society.
I am exhausted. I am tired. My arms and fingers are sore from doing something I do not want to do. My shoulders and neck are tense and knotted, a result from the tension from pulling for such long periods of time.
I am exhausted. I am tired from this mundane task that leaves me feeling like i've overslept for days.
Yet I sit here, thinking about how unattracted I am to a love interest who has gained weight, when maybe I simply cannot understand that perhaps they eat like I pull. Maybe food is their outlet, yet I sit and judge them when I should not. I want a beautiful person by my side, when I can't even reciprocate that little. And as I continue to confess with lashes between my fingernails, I wonder if one day I will be able to justify my personal tastes.
It seems I should tolerate so much from someone because they would have to tolerate my ugliness. I cannot be picky, even though I am, because I won't meet the criteria of what they want. And if I can't be beautiful, then I can't have beautiful.
And if one day it should so happen that I find intimacy and love, I would be too scared to ruin it with the hideousness of bald eyes. It's crazy to think how something as small and few as eyelashes can disfigure my face until I am unrecognizable. Does beauty really lie in so little?
I hate to confess to myself that I am breaking. I have been so strong for so long, and now I don't understand why i'm crumbling.
The worst part of it is this: I know I need help, I want to get help, but I just cant. Break. This wall in front of me. And my knuckles are sore from punching it.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The less you pull, the less you want to.
Studies have shown that a reinforced behaviour is only intensified the more you engage in it.
Psychotherapists have seen, and acknowledged, that although the fight against urges may be difficult, each overcoming is a big step.
The less a trichster pulls, the less urges they have to pull. That is why when we have an episode, it's not just a few hairs, but it's either all the new hairs or an entire preferred area. (This also applies to skin picking.)
Psychotherapists have seen, and acknowledged, that although the fight against urges may be difficult, each overcoming is a big step.
The less a trichster pulls, the less urges they have to pull. That is why when we have an episode, it's not just a few hairs, but it's either all the new hairs or an entire preferred area. (This also applies to skin picking.)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Trich & Vacations
It's vacation time. For lash pullers, there is Eye Seal from Make Up Forever. Trichsters can use this formula to waterproof eyeshadows and eyeliner pencils.
I do this every vacation. I am also a scuba diver and a snorkeler. Believe me when I say that this stuff does NOT rub off. I have gotten out of the salt water and have rubbed my eyes over and over, and there wasn't even a smudge or a fade. This is a true miracle worker. Please note however, if you make the black eyeshadow waterproof (used as liner) but apply regular eyeshadow on your lid (without the eye seal), the regular eyeshadow may run on top of the black eyeliner since it is not waterproof. Although the black liner is still there and hasn't washed off, it may look faded if a lighter shadow on your lid has run down over the liner itself (this is particular to light eyeshadows, not dark ones). Just something to keep in mind.
Also note, it is not recommended you use eye seal to waterproof your liners when you are NOT in the water. If you rub your eyes, since the eye seal is dry, it will flake off. When it comes into contact with water, it has a particular reaction which makes is smudge-proof, flake-proof and virtually impossible to wash off. That is because the water reacts with the formula and is repelled. If there is no water to react to, there is nothing to repel and the waterproofed liner will flake off ONLY if it is touched. If it is not touched, it will remain exactly how you left it.
ALSO NOTE, be very precise. Once the eye seal dries, you CANNOT fix it. It does not smudge. You cannot make smoky eyes with eye seal. Once its there, its there and you can either spend 5 minutes rubbing it off (which will hurt) or you can use special waterproof makeup remover.
When you are in the water, eye seal will make waterproof all your shadows and eyeliner pencils. As a trichster myself, I guarantee this product. I have tried it and have been using it for years.
For scalp pullers, if the bald spot(s) are possible to hide in a ponytail, opt for these elastics with rubber for extra grip. These never slide, loosen or fall off (perfect for the water). If you click on the picture to enlarge it, you can see the rubber spiralled around the elastic itself. I use these all the time, and in all honesty, its really painful to take it out when your hair is still wet (its nearly impossible, rubber and wet hair should never mix), however this is a guaranteed way to make sure your pony stays exactly where it should (I promise!). Like previously mentioned, I am a scuba diver and have dived for up to 2 hours, these elastics are very reliable. They are sold at most pharmacies or wal-marts.
For those who cannot hide their scalp trich with a ponytail or updo, there are always water caps. Many people use them (because they dont want to wash their hair everyday) and if you think about it, it saves your hair and scalp from being dried and burnt from the sun. These also never slide off.
Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. You never were and never will be. The sun and the ocean don't care what you look like, they only want to warm and soothe you :) Happy holidays trichsters :) One day, we will have our own beach where only trichsters will be allowed, and makeup, hats and wigs will be prohibited :)
I do this every vacation. I am also a scuba diver and a snorkeler. Believe me when I say that this stuff does NOT rub off. I have gotten out of the salt water and have rubbed my eyes over and over, and there wasn't even a smudge or a fade. This is a true miracle worker. Please note however, if you make the black eyeshadow waterproof (used as liner) but apply regular eyeshadow on your lid (without the eye seal), the regular eyeshadow may run on top of the black eyeliner since it is not waterproof. Although the black liner is still there and hasn't washed off, it may look faded if a lighter shadow on your lid has run down over the liner itself (this is particular to light eyeshadows, not dark ones). Just something to keep in mind.
Also note, it is not recommended you use eye seal to waterproof your liners when you are NOT in the water. If you rub your eyes, since the eye seal is dry, it will flake off. When it comes into contact with water, it has a particular reaction which makes is smudge-proof, flake-proof and virtually impossible to wash off. That is because the water reacts with the formula and is repelled. If there is no water to react to, there is nothing to repel and the waterproofed liner will flake off ONLY if it is touched. If it is not touched, it will remain exactly how you left it.
ALSO NOTE, be very precise. Once the eye seal dries, you CANNOT fix it. It does not smudge. You cannot make smoky eyes with eye seal. Once its there, its there and you can either spend 5 minutes rubbing it off (which will hurt) or you can use special waterproof makeup remover.
When you are in the water, eye seal will make waterproof all your shadows and eyeliner pencils. As a trichster myself, I guarantee this product. I have tried it and have been using it for years.
For scalp pullers, if the bald spot(s) are possible to hide in a ponytail, opt for these elastics with rubber for extra grip. These never slide, loosen or fall off (perfect for the water). If you click on the picture to enlarge it, you can see the rubber spiralled around the elastic itself. I use these all the time, and in all honesty, its really painful to take it out when your hair is still wet (its nearly impossible, rubber and wet hair should never mix), however this is a guaranteed way to make sure your pony stays exactly where it should (I promise!). Like previously mentioned, I am a scuba diver and have dived for up to 2 hours, these elastics are very reliable. They are sold at most pharmacies or wal-marts.
For those who cannot hide their scalp trich with a ponytail or updo, there are always water caps. Many people use them (because they dont want to wash their hair everyday) and if you think about it, it saves your hair and scalp from being dried and burnt from the sun. These also never slide off.
Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. You never were and never will be. The sun and the ocean don't care what you look like, they only want to warm and soothe you :) Happy holidays trichsters :) One day, we will have our own beach where only trichsters will be allowed, and makeup, hats and wigs will be prohibited :)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Trichotillomania In The Press
FutuRéale Magazine has dedicated one month's issue to create an Awareness Edition. This edition's Trichotillomania piece includes one of our anonymous posters who was kind enough to share their story, and also an interview with psychotherapist Karen Pickett from the OCD Center in Los Angeles (also known for her appearances on A&E's Obsessed).
The piece is now available online and can be viewed here.
The piece is now available online and can be viewed here.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Share your stories
FutuRéale Magazine is having an awareness issue for the month of October. The main feature is Trichotillomania. They have chosen to collaborate with me in contributing to the edition. I encourage all Trichsters to share their stories and experiences and have them published in the Awareness Edition of the magazine.
Names can and will be changed for privacy reasons.
All stories can be mailed to me at trichster@hotmail.com. An immediate response will be send to notify you that I have received your story. For privacy reasons, I will not forward your stories (in order not to share your personal information) but will send them from my personal email and I will let you know if your story has been chosen to be published. Once the edition goes up, I will be notified and in turn will let all contributors know.
If you wish to use your real name, please let me know and I will forward that information to the magazine.
This is a great opportunity to help other trichsters. Let your voice be heard and let the Trichster community come together in knowing that we understand each other and are willing to help by sharing our experiences.
Names can and will be changed for privacy reasons.
All stories can be mailed to me at trichster@hotmail.com. An immediate response will be send to notify you that I have received your story. For privacy reasons, I will not forward your stories (in order not to share your personal information) but will send them from my personal email and I will let you know if your story has been chosen to be published. Once the edition goes up, I will be notified and in turn will let all contributors know.
If you wish to use your real name, please let me know and I will forward that information to the magazine.
This is a great opportunity to help other trichsters. Let your voice be heard and let the Trichster community come together in knowing that we understand each other and are willing to help by sharing our experiences.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Could Trich be an avoidance behaviour?
Some Trichsters have mentioned that pulling was a help in avoiding other behaviours, such as smoking or sexual thoughts. Could it be possible that Trich is really an avoidance behaviour? And if so, what is it we are avoiding exactly?
Some research has suggested that Trichotillomania is a way the brain manages to control avoidance behaviour.
You can view the entire book here
Some research has suggested that Trichotillomania is a way the brain manages to control avoidance behaviour.
You can view the entire book here
Monday, May 30, 2011
Historical References to Trich
"In ancient works of literature there are numerous references to pulling and plucking of hair; but I could find only one reference that I thought was clearly a reference to Trich behaviour. Most references were in the context of grief, torture, fashion or vanity.
But Epictetus (c.60-c.117 AD) was more interesting. In one reference, men who plucked hair for fashion/vanity reasons apparently fell into habitual behavior:
"Indeed I think that the men who pluck out their hairs do what they do without knowing what they do."
["The Discourses" by Epictetus (101 AD), Book 3, Chapter 1]
And further on is a reference which appears to be Trich behaviour under stress. Agamemnon was legendary, rather than historical, but presumably the description reflects observations made in everyday life.
"But neither was Agamemnon happy, though he was a better man than Sardanapalus and Nero; but while others are snoring what is he doing? 'Much from his head he tore his rooted hair.' And what does he say himself? 'I am perplexed,' he says, 'and disturbed I am,' and 'my heart out of my bosom is leaping.'"
[Book 3, Chapter 22]
Homer, in The Iliad (c.750 BC), wrote of a hero's response to frustration:
"... even so oft in his breast groaned Agamemnon, from the very deep of his heart [,] and his spirits trembled with him. And whensoever he looked toward the Trojan plain, he marvelled at the many fires that blazed in front of Illios, and at the sound of flutes and pipes, and the noise of men; but whensoever to the ships he glanced and to the host of Achaians, then rent he many a clean lock forth from his head, to Zeus that is above, and gently moaned his noble heart." (Lang et al. 1945, pp. 165-166)
There is a biblical account of hair pulling, in the book of Ezra: "At this news I tore my garment and my cloak; I tore hair from my head and beard and sat down, quite overcome." (Ezra 9:3).
"
Source
But Epictetus (c.60-c.117 AD) was more interesting. In one reference, men who plucked hair for fashion/vanity reasons apparently fell into habitual behavior:
"Indeed I think that the men who pluck out their hairs do what they do without knowing what they do."
["The Discourses" by Epictetus (101 AD), Book 3, Chapter 1]
And further on is a reference which appears to be Trich behaviour under stress. Agamemnon was legendary, rather than historical, but presumably the description reflects observations made in everyday life.
"But neither was Agamemnon happy, though he was a better man than Sardanapalus and Nero; but while others are snoring what is he doing? 'Much from his head he tore his rooted hair.' And what does he say himself? 'I am perplexed,' he says, 'and disturbed I am,' and 'my heart out of my bosom is leaping.'"
[Book 3, Chapter 22]
Homer, in The Iliad (c.750 BC), wrote of a hero's response to frustration:
"... even so oft in his breast groaned Agamemnon, from the very deep of his heart [,] and his spirits trembled with him. And whensoever he looked toward the Trojan plain, he marvelled at the many fires that blazed in front of Illios, and at the sound of flutes and pipes, and the noise of men; but whensoever to the ships he glanced and to the host of Achaians, then rent he many a clean lock forth from his head, to Zeus that is above, and gently moaned his noble heart." (Lang et al. 1945, pp. 165-166)
There is a biblical account of hair pulling, in the book of Ezra: "At this news I tore my garment and my cloak; I tore hair from my head and beard and sat down, quite overcome." (Ezra 9:3).
"
Source
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